Friends often ask me how to approach someone. They tell me they are not sure what to say. They don't want to come off too aggressive, or needy. They want to be witty and engaging. They don't want to sound stupid.
Sometimes they don't say anything. I know guys who are so averse to looking like the over-aggressive guy with unwanted advances that they never reach out. Even when a woman is giving clear signs of interest, they stay cooped up.
Other guys struggle with self-doubt and get caught in analysis paralysis. Simply making conversation feels like a burden, especially if they are interested in the woman.
Of course, alcohol or drugs can help tone down all these swirling thoughts, to get in the right head space. Or you can try dating books. One of my favorites is all about attracting women through honesty. There is a lot of good stuff in there, but the author misses a pretty significant piece. He addresses dating and relationships at the level of the mind. This is not where it all happens.
The magic of relationship happens in your body and in your heart. Connection happens at the level of chemistry. This is something that we feel in our bodies. The feeling of falling in love is completely incomprehensible. Your mind is basically useless as your heart takes the reins. When we are in love we, express it with our bodies.
Now, this isn't to say that intellectual and ideological compatibility isn't important in relationship. I'm not saying that being witty doesn't "work". What I'm saying is that fundamentally it is the chemistry and emotional resonance that compels us towards one another. The thoughts and words, I would argue, are secondary.
And when we feel that chemistry, that 'je ne sais quoi,' how much easier it is to be witty, funny, and charming!
If you catch yourself trying to be witty, or trying to think of what to say, you might want to check in with your emotional-embodied state. What is the energy in my body? How do I feel in my heart?
What I like to do is to fill myself with the energy of love and appreciation, then do whatever the fuck I want. This is also what I suggest to others. Fill yourself with love then do whatever the fuck you want. Let yourself be ridiculous, let yourself express the loving energy inside you.
People can feel it when you are coming from love, when you are coming from abundance. They might not be able to put their finger on it, but they feel it. This also tends to be pretty attractive. It's a win-win. Not only do you get to be the more genuine version of yourself, but people tend to appreciate the genuine expression and positive energy.
There is no guarantee, of course. Even if you are coming from a place of love, you may not woo your desired participant. Indeed, he/she may not want anything to do with you, and that's okay! But if you are truly coming from a place of love, you will be received in the best possible light.
But, is it possible to have that "in love" feeling without a special someone? I think so. You can fill yourself with love for your life, love for your friends, or love for pizza. It doesn’t matter that much what causes it, as long as you are getting your mojo going.
But it can be difficult. The world we live in often hammers these feelings out of us. So here are a few options:
Practice healthy, nurturing activities for yourself, when you are alone. I like working out, making good food, and taking baths. I don't need anybody else to do these, they are all relatively cheap, and they make me feel great. They are expressions of loving myself. For some people it's listening to music, getting out in nature, or reading a good book. The things you do to nurture yourself are powerful tools for filling your own love cup without needing others.
Nurture and cherish friendships. Sometimes it's hard to do it all alone, and we don't have to. Take care of friendships, make new friends, and learn to find deep appreciation for the friends you have. Give your friends compliments, tell them how much you appreciate them. The love of friends will be different than romantic love, but it fills the same cup.
Get support and reflections from someone who can help. This might be a mentor, a parent, or an amazing coach. These types of relationships can often help you clear out your personal blocks to seeing and experiencing beauty in the world. A mentor can help you see the world in a whole new way. A coach can teach you new ways of cultivating the most powerful version of yourself. A parent can remind you that you used to put on your sister's dresses and twirl around in the living room (thanks mom).
Or, simply do whatever makes you happy. Fill yourself with love. Then do whatever the fuck you want.
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