How do you rebuild after break up?
A lot of people say that you need to be alone. You need to learn to love yourself. You need to heal.
I talk to people who tell me they are not ready to jump into another relationship.
Dating experts will tell you that if you dive back into another relationship, you will simply repeat the same patterns.
All of this sounds like pretty good advice... but what if there were an even better way?
Because here is the problem with this way of thinking: It gives reason to isolate and emotionally shut down. The logic is that if you open your heart, bad things will happen - so don't open your heart.
I see people who, after a break up, stay single, stay distant, stay emotionally numb, stay depressed. They push away wonderful people and beautiful connection because they are "not ready." This is not healthy. This is not healing.
If your goal is to heal. Then what is the most efficient and effective way to do that?
Here is the something to consider: Emotional wounds are healed by being loved.
When we open our hearts to love with awareness of our old wounds and negative patterns, the new love comes in and fills that wounded space with the healing power of love.
Opening to love brings joy to places where pain used to rule.
The emotional power and energetic bliss of loving affection literally changes our neural patterns and our physical biochemistry. Our neural patterns rewire from thoughts of intimacy leading to heartbreak, to the understanding of intimacy leading to joy. Our endocrine system stops the slow drip of cortisol and stress hormones and becomes flooded with serotonin and oxytocin, chemicals that produce a sense of trust, safety, higher reasoning, and creativity as well as physical well being.
Keeping our hearts closed to those old wounded places does not heal! It simply entrenches the heartbreak.
The trick is to open your heart to love in a new way. You must open your heart in a state of awareness of your subconscious, and with skill to embrace a new reality. You must open your heart with an understanding of how to create generative connection.
Lastly, even when you have both awareness and skill, opening your heart after heartbreak is still scary. The mind will still say "WHAT IF PAIN HAPPENS AGAIN!?"
This is why you need courage and support. You must face your fears and overpower them with love. You must invite skillful reflections and support from qualified sources.
Learn, grow, love.